(3). What is the Spousal Relationship? - 2). Understanding Divorce
① . Reasons Why Marriage Leads to Divorce
The thought that "cohabitation before marriage" is natural has become widespread. Today’s younger generation sometimes checks sexual compatibility before dating. During this transitional period between the Seoncheon (early days) and Hoocheon (later days) eras, where the laws of nature are changing, it is natural to try this way and that way to find the right answer. It is wise not to judge something as wrong simply because it doesn’t fit your standards but to understand why such things happen. In this era, nothing is inherently wrong within this society; everything emerges because it is needed at this time. Trying everything out like this is, in fact, the right approach.
What constitutes a proper marriage and an unavoidable yet proper divorce in this era? Today, if you marry poorly, you must consider when the breakup date will come. Why? Because 97% will part ways. It is because people married incorrectly using outdated methods. There is only one source of conflict in married life: it all begins with arguments. Then why do arguments happen? They occur because the other person seems not to provide what you need and appears selfish.
Let’s trace back to the dating period before marriage for comparison. When we date before marriage, we meet because we like each other. It is because the other person gives exactly what we need and aligns with us, so it’s natural to feel good together. However, strangely, after getting married, the attitude changes to “I’ve done this much, so now you should live in a way that I need.” This is greed. Even when speaking, we need to hear what pleases us, but when dealing with each other selfishly, resentment builds up, leading to arguments, and eventually, the process of separation unfolds.
When both partners are greedy, they drift apart. When they provide what the other needs and help each other, they grow closer. This is why we have partners. More fundamentally, delving into the principles of nature, the law of relationships reveals that people meet as sinners with debts to each other. They meet because they owe each other something. If there were no debts between them, the meeting would not occur in the first place. These debts are repaid when they help each other in today’s world.
There is a saying, "Love your enemies," and this principle actually applies to marital and parent-child relationships. If there is unpaid debt in this life, you must meet again in the next. Loving your enemies means not treating these relationships selfishly but living for the sake of those connections. By doing so, if you help each other, you become so grateful and thankful that the relationship becomes one where you cannot help but love each other. This is the relationship between married partners.
However, as soon as we marry, we demand the other person to “first repay the debt you owe me.” “You pay me first,” “No, you pay me first,” and with this mutual greed, feelings of resentment emerge in words and actions, leading to arguments, distancing, and ultimately divorce. Because of the greed of “I want to receive first,” everyone divorces and separates, and an era of even more divorces is approaching.
During the dating period before marriage, both parties tried to impress and show the best side of themselves to the other, which led to liking each other and growing close. After marriage, however, the attitudes turn to “I expect you to do this for me,” resulting in unavoidable conflicts. Without studying the fundamental laws of nature—who your partner is, why you met, and what obligations you have toward them—you will eventually separate, even at the ages of 50 or 60. Just as you liked each other and tried for each other during the dating period, you must not forget the original intention (chobalsim). To maintain this original intention consistently, you must first understand why you met and what you must do for each other. Understanding the entirety of this is the study of nature. Without grasping the whole, no matter how hard you try to hold on to your original intention, you cannot maintain it, and it will turn into greed.
To grow closer and love each other more after marriage, you must strive to live for the other person as you did during the dating period. However, when trying to make efforts for the other person, such thoughts don’t come easily, actions are difficult, and doubts linger. Why is this? What within me causes this difficulty in thought and action? To find and address this root cause in the subconscious, one must meditate. This meditation is thoroughly for oneself. By understanding the parts of yourself you didn’t know, you can discover the reasons why actions for the other person don’t come naturally, and gradually, acting for the other person becomes habitual.
By identifying the reasons within yourself and making efforts for each other, as time passes, the accumulated efforts to support one another lead to mutual care becoming automatic. Over time, it gets much easier. However, without initial efforts or care, people end up complaining, blaming the other person for not caring, and fighting. When you sincerely make an effort for the other first, and that weight of sincerity accumulates, the other person—though they may not consciously recognize it—senses this. Humans have extraordinary sensitivity. Thus, the other person begins to make efforts for you. When you try to live for the other person and continually seek ways to do so, closeness naturally follows.
② . Pros and Cons of Divorce
Divorce leaves a mark of failure not only in human society but also in the natural world. If you marry and divorce, a “mark of failure” is recorded next to your name in the heavens. If you divorce twice, two marks are drawn. Thus, if there is a record of divorce, the spouse sent to you next will be a match of slightly lower quality compared to the first. The law of relationships changes when a person with one divorce on record is sent another spouse, and it changes again if there are two divorces.
The first marriage partner you are sent is perfectly matched to you. However, if you divorce and accumulate a record of failure, the next partner sent to you will be of lower quality. It’s like avoiding dung only to encounter something worse. Consequently, later on, people inevitably say, “The first person I met was better.”
To properly understand divorce, it must be viewed in the context of the times. There was a time when divorce was considered a significant flaw. However, in today’s era, divorce is not a flaw. If you divorce for a legitimate reason, it is justified, but it still leaves a record in the natural order. This is something you have no choice but to carry. However, this environment can completely reverse itself, leading to much better circumstances. Therefore, don’t think of divorce as a weakness. Instead, focus on studying and improving yourself to create a better future environment for yourself.
If you meet your first marriage partner and divorce, it is both a significant flaw and a great opportunity for personal growth. Think, “I’ve learned a lot from this, so I need to live my life correctly going forward,” and focus on why this happened and what you need to study to improve yourself.
For example, you might realize that you didn’t know how to meet people properly, decided on someone too quickly because you liked them, or got married out of loneliness without knowing how to live together. Reflect on these lessons from your marriage and make sure not to repeat them. Recognize that the difficulties and pain during the marriage led to the eventual separation.
From another perspective, divorce indicates that your quality as a person is high. If you were extremely ignorant and of low quality, you would not have been able to divorce. You would have endured abuse or infidelity without considering divorce. The fact that you divorced shows that your quality is higher. You must live your life according to your level of quality, but if the two of you are hindering each other or creating complications, it’s better to part ways before wasting more time together. This allows you to create a new life.
There’s no need to hide the fact that you are divorced. Pretending that you’re not a “divorcee” will only cause new marriage prospects to come and go. It’s better to be honest and open about it. Hiding it only creates problems. If you are honest about being single and of good quality, new opportunities will definitely come your way. However, not every relationship is meant to lead to marriage. Many connections come to you, and you need to form good relationships with each of them and live your life while engaging with these connections.
If you live well with your husband, staying at home, external relationships won’t come your way. But if you part with your husband and go out into society to make a living, opportunities for connections will come to you. People often think that having a job is simply about making a living. In reality, you take up jobs to bring relationships into your life. The type of job you have determines the types of connections you attract. We step into society to form human connections, and as our roles change, so do our opportunities to meet people. Our lives are fundamentally about forming relationships.
How you skillfully manage the relationships you encounter determines whether you can create synergy and live a fulfilling life. Nature doesn’t ask you to manage relationships you haven’t yet encountered. If you handle the relationships that come your way well, they multiply, and managing them skillfully increases your capacity and quality. This is how we live our lives.
The heavens only provide us with relationships. Everything else has already been given to us as a foundation. We are surrounded by the energy of the earth and the sky, which are always present. How we receive and utilize this energy depends on our efforts, but relationships are the one thing given to us by the heavens and nature.
Once nature sends you a relationship and you meet, everything afterward is your responsibility to manage; nature does not intervene further. How you manage all beings and people based on your quality determines whether you are a competent and skillful person.
So, don’t hide the fact that you’re divorced. Don’t block new opportunities for connections, don’t chase away what’s coming, and don’t cling to what’s leaving. Accept relationships as they come and let go of those that leave without regret. How you manage the connections you receive determines your life. Be honest about being single, embrace the new relationships that come into your life, and focus on building a new life from them.
③ . How to Divorce Properly
We are now living in an era where divorce is commonplace. In the past, divorce was unthinkable, but in this transitional era where everything is being restructured, divorces, new relationships, and the reorganization of existing relationships are all happening simultaneously.
Even nations that once joined hands are now reconsidering and changing their directions. It is a time when everything needs to be restructured. The smallest unit of this reorganization is the family, which may live together and then divorce. Divorce, too, has its rightful laws. When communication breaks down and life becomes difficult, the first step is to study whose fault it is. Divorce must be carried out with a legitimate cause; if not, the same situation will arise again and again. Avoiding one pile of dung only to encounter another is how it works. If you fail to fully understand this lesson and do not learn from it, you will inevitably face the same circumstances again, and that is the frightening part.
The correct principle when divorcing is to first examine whether this situation arose because of you. If you fail to identify this and let too much time pass, going beyond the point of no return, you must start by finding the cause within yourself. You will never feel stifled without some fault of your own. When you feel stuck in a marital relationship, both parties are involved, but you must find your part and not blame your spouse, as doing so will only make things harder for you. You undoubtedly have your share of the fault, which is why you feel stifled. You should not shift the blame for your mistakes onto your spouse.
If you feel 70% of the frustration, then 70% of the fault lies with you. You must reflect, review, and make efforts to change. If you are unwilling to make such efforts, then even if you decide to part ways, you must concede significantly during the divorce to separate properly. Saying, "Do as you please. I acknowledge that I contributed to this outcome. Take whatever you want, even if you don’t want to leave me a single penny," allows for a smooth separation. You might say, "You don’t even want to leave me the house, right? Take it all." Proceeding with the divorce in this manner aligns with the laws of nature. If you come out of the situation with nothing, while materially impoverished, you will have resolved things correctly, and someone will surely come to help you. When you separate in the right way, even if you have no money, you won’t be left destitute. Why would nature abandon someone who lives righteously? For those who make righteous choices, nature sends good relationships and environments to help them rebuild their strength and life.
However, if you fail to do this and instead blame others while scrambling to claim more property, you will waste time, sustain greater emotional injuries, and expose each other’s worst sides. Even after separating under such circumstances, nature will no longer support you, making life harder moving forward. This is because the process of separation was not carried out correctly. You will face a more challenging environment where you must repay your debts through hardship. The negative energy resulting from our wrongful actions spreads through society, and we must bear responsibility for it according to the laws of nature.
If divorce is necessary, it should not be treated like a clean-cut severing of ties. Instead, it should follow the proper steps to part ways. No matter how unpleasant the other person may seem, start by proposing a period of separation:
“We should refrain from interfering in each other’s lives completely. Let’s both work on ourselves individually.”
This kind of agreement is key. The separation period should last at least one-tenth of the marriage duration. During this time apart, as each person lives their life and makes individual efforts, they begin to reflect on the things they did wrong toward their partner, the good things their partner did for them, and the feelings they didn’t have before. This is the process of studying yourself. Over one or two years of separation, gratitude and regret emerge fully. This period of separation and reflection often creates an opportunity to meet again. If you sincerely reflect and make efforts, you will meet again, even if by chance. Nature will orchestrate a meeting, no matter how far apart you are—whether you are in the U.S. and your partner is in Russia, you might encounter each other on a plane. Nature works in mysterious ways.
Previously, interactions may have been filled with harsh words and hurtful exchanges like wild animals. After such reflection, you might start a conversation with, “How have you been?” The tone becomes warm and gentle. At this point, you may realize how much pain you both caused each other. If you then decide to reunite and can resolve all the past mistakes and misunderstandings, reconciliation becomes possible. However, if at the point of reunion, either party is still saying, “You were wrong, I was wrong,” then it’s time to let go and help each other find their respective paths.
Say, “You need to live well on your own. Clinging to you and making things difficult isn’t right.” This is how you let go for their sake, not your own.
If you part ways because you “can’t stand the sight of them anymore,” remember, the reason you can’t stand them is something you created. If you haven’t resolved this within yourself, you’ll encounter another relationship that initially seems like gold but turns out to be nothing but smelly dung. You will meet such relationships precisely because you need to study and grow.
There are laws governing relationships in nature, including those related to separation. Understanding and properly applying these laws is what allows your future to become radiant and your life to shine. Disliking your current relationship and moving on to what seems like a better one without learning the lessons will only lead to more problems. This is how the laws of nature operate.
④. If the Marriage Was Wrong from the Start, There Is No Need to Pursue It
Do people really have to get married in this era? To begin with, marriage is not something one must do. Marriage is about finding someone to cooperate with and achieve mutual prosperity in life. Because we exist as complementary forces of yin and yang, living alone may feel incomplete, but meeting a partner to thrive together can greatly enrich life.
Here is a conversation of someone who is older but has not yet married.
Now, after meeting 10 people around me who got married, I see that 7 of them ended up separating. I almost rushed into marriage myself and caused my mother great pain by separating as well. Though I don’t claim to know everything about the world, I am improving myself and studying, so I am certain I will meet a good partner eventually. If you are worried about me, please don’t be. I need to find a wife with whom failure is not an option. What good would it do to rush into marriage and end up with a partner doomed to fail because I lacked the proper foundation? Even if I were to fail, I would be the one who caused her life to be wasted and responsible for her failure as well. If that were the case, it’s a relief that I haven’t met anyone yet, even if it means taking longer.
In this era, marriage must be one without failure. It is no longer a time where rushing to meet anyone and just getting married is important. From the start, we must discern whether it will be a successful marriage or not and make cautious decisions. If the marriage is likely to fail, then it is better to take it slow and be deliberate, even if it happens later. We must carefully examine what marriage truly means, whether the prospective partner and I are compatible in terms of values and standards, and what obligations I need to fulfill. Only after thoroughly considering all of these factors should we choose our life partner.
Marriage comes with obligations to one another. However, as time goes on, if one fails to fulfill their responsibilities, the other party will become tired of them and eventually disregard them. If you find that a woman on the street looks stunning or a man walking by seems very appealing, it means your partner is failing to fulfill that role. Conversely, if they perform their duties well, you will never be tempted by others.
This has nothing to do with wealth. Regardless of how much or how little wealth someone has, understanding your obligations in the relationship and fulfilling them will allow you to stay together. How much effort are you putting into ensuring the other person feels understood? If your efforts bring even the slightest benefit to the other person, they will never leave you.
Even if you have wealth, you must still be beneficial to your partner. When you provide value, people naturally gather around you and do not leave. Merely having wealth does not make you desirable. People may come to you for your wealth when they need it, but once they have it, they will leave.
We are currently living in a transitional era where the laws of nature are changing between the Seoncheon (early days) and Hoocheon (later days) periods. Because these new laws have not been fully established, people are navigating through life uncertainly. In the future, marriages will need to be mutually prosperous. Without respect and mutual benefit, and if you try to suppress the other person, the relationship will inevitably end.
Rather than striving to dominate, you should try to live for the other person, even if they are less capable than you. We meet people who complement our weaknesses with their strengths, and vice versa. Just as a hexagon balances its sides, no single person can excel in every area. Someone may have extensive knowledge but feel emotionally isolated, making them inferior in certain ways despite their intellectual wealth. Because people distribute strengths and weaknesses among themselves, mutual prosperity is possible if approached correctly.
Marriage partners must fill each other’s shortcomings through communication, rather than demanding obedience. If someone applies pressure simply because their partner doesn’t listen, that relationship must be reconsidered. A dysfunctional marital relationship not only creates personal hardships but also destabilizes society. A marital relationship filled with power struggles and arguments will carry over into the workplace, affecting your job performance. The stress, pressure, and frustration will spill over to colleagues, making their lives more challenging. If a relationship remains unresolved and stagnant for 10 or 20 years, it is better to break it off, realign your life, and move forward.
Even having a family is only meaningful when it is a proper family. A proper family strengthens society and the nation, while a dysfunctional family weakens it. If mutual efforts fail to resolve a problematic relationship, the best course of action is to separate amicably, allowing both parties to have a second chance. Dysfunctional families that persist in their problems often find themselves corrected by nature. Even if you try to prevent a breakup, nature cannot be overcome.
Conversely, if you improve yourself and create a proper family through a good marriage, your collective strength doubles. Nature also supports and empowers such families. This is the purpose of marriage. If you fail to contribute positively to each other, you will not be able to harness the forces of nature.
Understanding the laws of righteous living ensures that everything goes well. We are all subject to the laws of nature and cannot fight against them. When you live correctly, you will not have to bow to anyone or plead for anything. You live with dignity, enhancing your abilities and achieving your goals confidently. As you grow and your soul expands, you may eventually be able to assist nature itself. Such people embody the spirit of Hongik Ingan—those who benefit humanity—during the Seoncheon and Hoocheon eras.
In today’s era, there is no need to persist in a marriage that was wrong from the start. However, if you understand marriage correctly and live righteously for one another, marriage becomes increasingly beneficial for you.
Summary
In modern times, divorce is regarded as a natural process. Marriage is a relationship where mutual effort and prosperity help repay the debts of past connections. However, selfishness and self-centered attitudes lead to conflicts. The mutual effort and consideration seen during courtship often disappear after marriage, resulting in disputes and, ultimately, divorce. Divorce should be seen as an opportunity for personal growth and reorganization. It must be carried out properly, with self-reflection and appropriate procedures.
There is no need to persist in a wrong marriage. Marriage based on mutual respect and prosperity is crucial. Understanding the laws of nature and managing relationships accordingly is key to maintaining a healthy family. Both marriage and divorce require self-awareness and effort, allowing individuals and society to grow together.