2. Family - (2). What is the Parent-Child Relationship?
1). The Relationship Between Parents and Children
Typically, the relationship between parents and children is often understood as a subordinate one. As parents who gave birth to and raised their children, despite thinking, "I shouldn’t act this way…", we tend to try to make our children act according to parents' will and desires. It becomes ambiguous to determine where interference ends and where fulfilling parental responsibility begins. As a result, we often end up nagging unintentionally, and when our children do not accept it, we, as parents, also accumulate stress. Parents, starting with the intention of wanting their children to do well, based on their life experiences, often find that their nagging does not lead to positive outcomes.
"Why can’t my child understand how I feel?"
As a child, I am constantly on edge, wondering what kind of nagging my parents might start with today. Because of this, I don’t even want to interact with them if possible. Since I’m still young and a student, I cannot become independent immediately and have no choice but to stay with my parents, but I prefer not to engage in conversations. All the nagging my parents say "for my sake" consists solely of pointing out my mistakes. What I truly need right now are words of encouragement, support, and hope that affirm what I’m doing well, yet such nagging feels hypocritical to me. It feels like a heavy rock is pressing on my chest. I have no desire to become like my parents. While my friends say they want to be like their parents, I firmly resolve never to be like mine.
"When can I finally become independent?"
No parent does not wish to be respected by their child, and no child does not wish to be acknowledged and grow up properly in the eyes of their parents. Even though the desires of both sides align, why is it that conflicts between parents and children seem inevitable? To give a straightforward answer, it is because neither party knows the whole picture. They judge based only on visible phenomena, which prevents them from seeing the right answers. If one were to understand the unseen principles, solutions to fundamentally resolve such conflicts would become clear. Let’s examine what kind of relationship exists between parents and children.
Since parents physically give birth to their children, they naturally think of them as "their" children. This subconscious belief serves as the seed for future parent-child conflicts. To get straight to the point, children are not "our" children. To understand this, one must first learn who the true "I" is.
Animals live entirely on physical energy, but humans are simultaneously animals and spiritual beings, possessing both material and non-material energies. Here, the essence of "I" is spirit, the soul. Although we see and touch our bodies, thinking of them as ourselves, the true essence of "I" lies in the soul within this physical body.
When nature sends a child as a connection to me, right after birth, a newborn is 100% animal. At this stage, the soul has not yet entered. When born, the baby is limp and lifeless. Shortly after, there comes a moment when the baby suddenly cries loudly and shakes its whole body. This is the moment when the non-material soul enters the baby’s physical body. During this brief period, an immense docking of two completely different dimensions of energy creates a powerful spark, invisible to human eyes. This intense shock is incomprehensible, but it’s so overwhelming that the baby expresses it in the strongest way possible—shaking its whole body, crying out with all its might, and screaming until it can no longer breathe. This process doesn’t last long. Once the non-material soul settles into the physical body, this marks the "successful birth of a human being." From this point, the baby becomes calmer and begins to hum softly.
As a parent, I indeed produced the physical body of my child—the vessel for the soul—but I did not create their soul. The child’s soul is an entity that existed independently, just like my own soul, from the beginning. Therefore, before the soul enters to become a human being, the baby’s body can be claimed as 100% the parents’. However, once the soul enters and the baby becomes human, it ceases to belong to the parents. So, what exactly is the relationship between parents and children?
What makes the relationship between children and parents so special is nothing more than the fact that they have the privilege of spending more time together than any other connection. Nature provides the child as a connection to the parent because the souls of the parent and child have debts to repay to each other. Through the extended time spent together, they are meant to settle these debts, which is why they meet as parent and child. These debts may come from past lives or even from the primordial creation of the universe. Thus, a child is not given to parents to be controlled as their own. When one understands exactly what the child-parent connection is and properly recognizes the roles and responsibilities of parents and children, the karmic debts can be fully repaid.
2). The Proper Duties of Parents
If we were to determine who owes more in the parent-child relationship, parents hold 70% of the debt, while children hold only 30%, comparatively less. If there were no mutual debts between parent and child, the relationship itself would not form. Then, how can parents repay their 70% share of the debt? By fully dedicating themselves to raising the child well until they reach the age of 21. This includes not only physical and material growth but also intellectual and internal development, which parents must wholeheartedly support.
What happens when parents do their best and treat the relationship with their child properly? As the child begins interacting with society from the age of 21, they adapt and succeed because their weaknesses have been well nurtured through the parents' efforts. When children grow well and thrive in society, parents can live without worrying about their children. If parents pour 70% of their energy into supporting their child's development and the child matures successfully, they are 70% complete. A young adult who is 70% complete approaches society properly, and society, seeing this person as well-developed, helps fill the remaining 30%. This support from society completes the child's growth.
But what happens when a child is not raised well? Imagine that the parents think they are trying their best but raise the child haphazardly. The child, upon turning 21, may only be 30% developed. When this child enters society at 21, their shortcomings become evident. Society might react in various ways: the child could face bullying, struggle to adapt, frequently get into conflicts, fail to find stable employment, or stay at home unemployed. Having not learned how to be self-reliant, they experience difficulties in society and cannot leave their parents' side. If parents fail to properly care for and raise their children, those children, even as adults, remain dependent on their parents.
If a child, raised until 21, shows poor habits or behaviors, struggling in society, the period from 21 to 30 becomes a time for parents and children to work together to address and correct these issues. The parents must stay with the child, identifying their struggles and helping to rectify them. This is the "study of the 20s." If parents did not raise their children properly, the children cannot leave their parents during their 20s. This period is necessary for both to work together to resolve these shortcomings.
By the time the child turns 30, whether the problems were fully corrected or not, the period of effort is over. From their 30s onward, the child must learn to live independently in society. If, after their 30s, children still remain attached to their parents, the parents begin to face greater difficulties, including declining health. If parents fall ill and become bedridden, their dependent children find themselves further tied down, taking care of their parents instead of moving forward. At this point, the opportunity for independence has been completely lost.
The proper period for children to receive help from their parents and grow is until the age of 21. The 20s are a time for both parties to address remaining shortcomings. After the 20s, regardless of success or failure during that period, children must achieve complete independence in their 30s. Any remaining deficiencies at this stage must now be addressed by the children themselves, who must independently seek out learning and improvement. The 30s are a time to study society, whether by entering the workforce or engaging in other societal roles, entirely through their own efforts. At this stage, there are no teachers to guide them; they are thrown into the realities of society and must learn on their own. Therefore, the groundwork for coping with and adapting to challenges must be laid before entering society in their 30s. Without this foundation, they will not know how to address or solve the difficulties they encounter. These are lessons that should have been taught little by little during childhood, but gaps in education—both at home and in school—lead to confusion and wandering.
Such education is referred to as spiritual education, social education, character education, Hongik education, or the study of nature. This kind of natural education is essential worldwide. General knowledge is merely a collection of logical frameworks from past generations. What we need is not past knowledge but special spiritual knowledge tailored to the society of the future. Each era requires different levels of understanding to live appropriately. Problems of past eras can be solved easily by us now because we’ve studied general knowledge. However, we wander aimlessly because we do not know how to live properly in this current era. Learning and understanding this properly is what character education is about. This lack of character education suited to modern times is why fundamental social problems remain unresolved in all societies and countries. Life is about finding the correct path through the textbook of existence.
This is not about religion or faith but about studying and finding the right way to live. It is about understanding how to respond to the various circumstances we will face on Earth. How should I live my life? Who am I? Who is the person in front of me? Why has this person come into my life? Why have I been given this environment? How should I think and respond correctly? These are lessons we have not learned. The lack of such character education tailored to the present era prevents us from living properly. Blaming others and our circumstances only leads to further struggles without resolution.
The general knowledge taught in schools is a compilation of past knowledge, serving as a reference to understand how people lived before. However, assuming this knowledge applies perfectly to the present leads to the inability to solve the more complex problems of modern times. Nature constantly tries to help us by providing different environments, but when we fail to understand these correctly, we complain and blame those environments and the people we meet. As a result, nature ceases to help us. Nature only allows us to face challenging circumstances to make us reconsider and reflect on our methods, ultimately seeking new directions. Without this reflection, there is no way to let go of what we believed was correct and adopt new approaches.
3). Specific Ways to Treat the Parent-Child Relationship Properly
The proper ways to treat the parent-child relationship vary slightly depending on the child’s age up to 21 years old.
From ages 0 to 7, children must be raised entirely based on the parents’ decisions and judgments. At this stage, allowing the child to make 100% of the decisions is also undesirable. This is because children lack sufficient experience and knowledge to make sound decisions, and if the habit of making poor judgments develops, it will take significantly more time and energy to correct this later.
From ages 8 to 14, 30% of decisions should be made in consultation with the child. From ages 15 to 21, 70% of the child’s opinions should be accepted and decisions made through discussion. As a parent, I should only intervene in 30% of decisions.
From age 21, when correcting a child’s bad habits, everything must be addressed with 100% consultation. If a parent heavily imposes their opinions and tries to steer the child, it reduces the child’s independence, judgment, and sense of responsibility, leading to improper growth. Therefore, from age 21, parents must work with their child entirely through discussion. When this is done well, neither the parent nor the child will face difficulties. If parents overstep and interfere even slightly in their child’s life, they will eventually suffer pain in proportion to their overreach. While parents are obligated to help their children properly, they have never been given the right to control them at will.
Our ignorance of natural laws leads us to invite difficulties into our lives. By the time children reach their 30s, they must distance themselves from their parents. In their 30s, children must resolve their own issues without relying on parental help. The more help children receive from their parents, the more difficulties they will face. While it may feel daunting and scary, if children set their minds and make efforts to overcome challenges on their own, nature will fully support them. Nature is ready to guide you, but if you depend on your parents, nature will step back and observe how long you continue in this state. Nature will do nothing and cannot intervene.
If you act based on what you believe to be the correct answer, nature will say, “Go ahead and try,” and not provide help. Why are such events happening to me? By researching and entrusting yourself to nature, you can become one with it, and nature will help you in turn. For instance, if the winds of life blow strongly and try to knock you down, you might resist with all your strength to avoid falling. This resistance disconnects you from nature. If the strong wind knocks you down, you can relax and even rest after falling. But by stubbornly refusing to fall, you end up fighting against nature. By studying and understanding nature, you can entrust your difficulties to it, and it will naturally resolve them. However, due to fear and lack of trust, you refuse to let go and try to solve everything on your own terms, preventing nature from helping. This is why we experience hardships.
Here is another example from daily life. Someone may approach you with nonsensical or unreasonable statements, or they may criticize you. Do not fight with them; just listen. Then, reflect on why you had to encounter such a situation. If you analyze their words and try to point out their flaws by saying, “This and that is why you are wrong,” those words will not penetrate your soul and will merely bounce off. As a result, it will not empower you. Although you may not understand it now, there is undoubtedly a reason why this person played the role of delivering those words to you. Simply listen for now. If you are studying properly, you will eventually understand the meaning of those words. Ultimately, everything you see and hear comes to you for your benefit.
When you diligently study and strive to live rightly, nature will assist you. Do not rely on other people, and do not even rely on God. Study and learn how nature operates, and develop your strength. Even the insights gained from deep meditation ultimately reveal that you are not a being meant to depend on others. Instead, you come to understand your independent existence. Though studying may be challenging at first, your efforts can draw upon the power of the heavens. This natural energy will enable you to handle your affairs independently. Why? Because we are non-material spiritual beings inherently connected to nature, capable of utilizing its power. We hold swords and shields but often do not know their purpose, treating them as mere decorations. By studying their true purpose, we can wield their power effectively.
Children must not remain tied to their parents’ support. When they step out into the world and live brightly, their parents will feel that their hard work and sacrifices have been rewarded. This is the true meaning of filial piety. Leaving your parents is essential for fulfilling your duty as a child. Even birds, when their chicks grow, push them out of the nest so they can fly. Humans alone cling to their children out of emotional attachment, even after they have become adults. In light of nature’s laws, this behavior is incorrect. Why do humans struggle to let go of such attachments? By studying these principles, we learn to release emotional ties and follow the laws of nature when children become adults.
In the law of relationship, every meeting entails mutual responsibilities. Whoever you encounter, you have duties to fulfill. By studying and understanding your responsibilities, you can proceed on the correct path. When both parties fulfill their duties properly and benefit one another, they become true family. Even strangers can become true family.
However, when mutual responsibilities are unknown, and people who do not benefit one another live under the same roof, constant discord arises. If members of a group fail to respect and support each other but pursue their own agendas, the group will collapse. Rather than ruling by power, groups must operate through mutual respect to become unbreakable.
Let us consider parent-child relationships through another analogy. In the past, nations were ruled by kings, but now we have nations where citizens are the sovereigns. Even the term “citizens” has replaced “subjects,” reflecting an elevation in status. As sovereigns of their country, citizens have obligations to fulfill. When these obligations are neglected, the resulting difficulties always return to the citizens.
Parent-child relationships are no different. Parents, too, must know when to step back after fulfilling their duties. They should not remain tied to their children for life but think of themselves as free individuals. Children have their own lives, and parents have theirs.
Parents are not my family. Family is a relationship of mutual benefit and growth. Parents fulfill their duties while raising their children. By receiving that support and living a brilliant life, children repay that debt. This is filial piety. If you remain by your parents’ side, you will rely on them, which ultimately hinders your growth.
As humans grow, they naturally become independent because the soul itself is an independent entity. Proper growth means not depending on anyone. True mutual benefit can only occur when both parties stand independently. Do not seek dependence. Study and build your capabilities. Once children become adults, the parents’ duties are complete. From this point on, the relationship may or may not develop into a family connection. When both parties contribute to each other’s growth, the relationship gradually transforms into a true family bond. Blood relations differ from being a true family. Blood relations arise from duty and obligations, and once fulfilled, individuals return to being ordinary social connections. From this point, only through mutual efforts and benefits can the bond evolve into a genuine family relationship.
However, if either party depends on the other, the relationship does not become a true family. Only when both stand independently and support one another does it form a family. From this perspective, why do couples fail to become true family? Because they fail to achieve individual independence, making mutual benefit impossible. In other words, dependence disrupts the relationship. Recognizing each person’s individual life and standing firm alone is the first step. The moment you think, "I need to rely on this person to grow," the mutual benefit breaks down. Dissatisfaction arises because you cannot independently solve your problems, revealing your own shortcomings. First, stand alone. Then, mutual benefit can lead to becoming a true family. Only when both contribute to and need each other’s lives can a true family be formed.
4). Expanding the Concept of True Family
If someone genuinely contributes to your internal growth, even strangers can become family. If a connection significantly influences your personal development and helps you grow, such individuals may feel closer to you than family members who are not beneficial to your life. Even if they are not blood-related, if they understand the principles of mutual benefit and contribute to spiritual growth, they can unite and resolve matters effectively. When people come together with shared purpose and mutual benefit, their endeavors—be it a business or a project—will never fail. Conversely, when there is no shared purpose, instability arises. A lack of shared purpose means that individuals are not living to grow and contribute to mutual benefit but rather meeting others to exploit personal gain. When everyone acts on their selfish desires, alignment of purpose becomes impossible, leading to eventual failure.
Let’s consider an example. For a company with employees to grow, these employees must also grow, fostering mutual benefit. If they unite with a shared purpose, the company will flourish. However, if all the employees are only there to earn money for their personal lives without seeking growth or learning, this does not represent a shared purpose. Such employees are merely self-serving individuals looking out for their own interests. Without employees committed to growth and study, the company’s purpose is not aligned, and the organization will inevitably fail unless this fundamental issue is addressed.
Now you might wonder, "Fine, but how can shared purpose be achieved?" The method is not varied—it boils down to one principle. A company must be built on a righteous purpose that transcends personal selfishness. Without such a vision, everyone will remain stuck in their self-interest, and no alignment will occur. The nature of the company’s vision determines the quality of the connections it attracts and how those connections contribute to realizing the vision. Therefore, the person in charge must have such a vision. If someone starts a business purely to secure their livelihood, the company will fail to grow significantly and will eventually collapse. A leader with a strong vision must ensure that those around them understand and share that vision. This means a company leader cannot merely pay their employees for labor but must also educate them and promote their internal growth. If a company operates for 30 years solely by paying employees to work, those employees will likely save money and plan to start their own businesses instead of aligning with the company’s vision. On the other hand, if a leader shares their vision and facilitates the growth of employees, the employees will increasingly understand the leader’s purpose, shifting their focus from material self-interest to internal growth and aligning with the shared vision. When this happens, the company naturally thrives.
This is the reason why many companies fail. Why? Because there is no alignment of purpose. Employees are not united in purpose to manage and sustain the organization. Most companies are struggling to survive rather than genuinely succeeding. This is because neither the leaders nor the employees have a grand vision, and both are solely concerned with their personal interests and safety.
The owner must engage in owner's study, and employees must also do employee's study to build their strength. Gaining knowledge, including spiritual knowledge, is part of this process. Once you have built a foundation, opportunities will arise. With opportunities come work, and as you carry out this work, wealth, people, and favorable environments will come to you. You must cultivate the strength of your soul. Once you have this strength, you can resolve anything. Avoid blaming others and focus on building your strength to stand independently.
If you lack strength, you cannot bring joy to others, nor can others be drawn to you. Do not feel guilty about this or consider it selfish; instead, steadily build your strength. The strength you accumulate will ultimately be used to benefit others, making it a contribution, not selfishness. A leader who properly studies and fulfills their duties to their employees can transform strangers into true family.
Similarly, when we have children, we are given a connection with the potential to become true family. However, this connection does not mean we are automatically family. Whether this connection evolves into a true family bond depends on fulfilling mutual obligations and accumulating efforts over time. Despite this, many people assume that the moment a child is born, they are family for life. This misunderstanding is the root of many household issues. While we consider ourselves family, under the laws of nature, we have not yet been recognized as true family.
To become a true family, members must build and accumulate efforts and connections. Once we truly become family, even in the spiritual realm after death, we will not be separated. If individuals become true family through their shared efforts, not even the divine can break that bond. True family can include not only blood relatives but also various connections formed in society.
Summary
From the perspective of nature, the relationship between parents and children is one of mutual growth through repaying debts to one another. Parents must respect children as independent beings rather than treating them as possessions and fulfill their responsibility to help them grow properly. Children, once they become adults, must live independently of their parents and lead meaningful lives to achieve true filial piety. Family is not merely a connection formed through birth or maintained through selfish desires. Only when mutual spiritual growth and independence are achieved does the connection evolve into a true family. Genuine family relationships, built through effort and shared purpose, can extend beyond blood relations to include other meaningful connections and can even persist after death.