2. Family - (1). What is a family relationship?
(1). What is a family relationship?
Family relationships, undoubtedly more significant than friendships or colleague connections, hold a deeper importance. Understanding how family relationships are determined, why they come into our lives, and what we should do about them allows us to treat these relationships correctly.
1). Family Line Relationships
From a broader perspective, family relationships are like a team working toward a common goal. This team includes not only your current family members living with you but also previous generations and ancestors. What is the purpose of this team? To put it simply, it is to study correctly and break free from the attachments and karma passed down from our ancestors. For instance, some families have a lineage of educators, doctors, artists, or engineers. Each family inherits different talents, skills, and potentials, which are passed down through the family line because they function as one team.
The attachments that even our ancestors could not resolve, and the ones our parents could not overcome, are now placed before us. In this current environment, we are studying to break free from these attachments that our ancestors attempted to overcome. If our parents or ancestors had successfully resolved these issues through their studies, such attachments would not have been passed down to us, and we would not need to study them again. Instead, we would be focusing on a higher level of study. If I do not resolve these issues in my generation, this attachment and karma will pass down to my children, causing them to face similar difficulties, patterns, and stresses, often in similar environments. However, if I study and break free from these burdens, gaining freedom in this area, my children’s generation will be able to live a life on a higher level.
2). Parent and Child Relationship
Now, let's first understand the parent and child relationship from a personal perspective. Here, the relationship between parents and children is a grateful connection that allows the child to come into this world by creating the child’s physical body. However, although the parents create the child's physical body, the specific soul that is chosen to be their child is not determined by the parents' desires but by nature itself. The parent-child relationship involves the parents creating the physical body and directly giving birth to the child through their own bodies, which leads many parents to mistakenly believe that the child is entirely theirs. However, this is not a correct discernment. This is because, although parents created the physical body, the body itself does not fully constitute the child. Parents mistakenly think that the visible physical body is themselves and that the physical body they created and birthed is their own child. The true self resides within the physical body as the soul, and the true child also resides as a soul within their physical body. Since souls have always existed and are eternal immaterial energy beings, before we take on a physical body on Earth, we are independent immaterial beings and not created by someone else. The soul that comes as a child is neither originally theirs nor created by the parents. When existing as souls, they are independent unmaterial energy beings, and thus the child comes to live their own life independently from the parents.
Nature determines the specific soul that will become the child based on the karmic principles of fate, following a precise standard. Compared to the general relationships encountered in life, there are more faults between parents and children, necessitating greater help and obligations to resolve each other’s karmic debts, thus selecting these souls as children. In other words, it means that the souls chosen as children are those of enemies, indicating that significant obligations remain between them. This is why the parent-child relationship is governed by the law of mass, a natural karmic principle. However, because the parent’s soul has committed more faults, approximately 70%, the parent must first fulfill their obligations, and the child receives all the help first and then fulfills their own obligations.
When examining the obligations that help each other, parents must support and care for their children, aiding not only their physical growth but also their spiritual development until the child reaches the age of 21. However, if parents mistreat their children, fail to provide proper education, treat them as possessions with excessive interference, or neglect them because they find parenting burdensome, the child may grow up rebellious and develop bad habits. If a parent has raised a child until the age of 21 but the child still retains bad habits, then during the child’s twenties, the parent must spend ten years actively helping to correct these habits alongside the child. This marks the extent of the parent’s obligations.
From this point onward, parents should not think of their children as entirely their own, but rather allow their children to live the life they have received on their own. Originally, children are independent, distinct immaterial souls and immaterial energy beings like themselves, and therefore they must live their own lives. It is the parents' duty to first help them live this life well and to treat the parent-child connection appropriately.
If everything goes well up to this point and the child reaches their thirties, as a parent, I have fulfilled my duties and should consider my child as an equal member of society, allowing them to live freely. Even at this stage, if I, as a parent, continue to interfere, it becomes an overreach that infringes upon and obstructs my child’s life, making the relationship difficult for both of us. Even though the time for fulfilling parental duties—whether done well or not—has ended, if I persistently meddle in my child’s life by continually saying "my kid, my kid", the child will fail to grow properly and may go astray. Consequently, as I overstep my child’s life out of obsession, the child will struggle to adapt in society and encounter numerous problems and difficulties. Alternatively, the relationship between parent and child may become so distant that it resembles that of unrelated others. Additionally, the child may bring all their societal difficulties onto me as a parent. This results in me experiencing heart-wrenching pain corresponding to the extent of my overreach. If I, as a parent, act outside of my given duties, it mismanages the family connection, and since my child does not grow properly, I suffer by witnessing my adult child constantly facing problems firsthand. The child may cut ties and live separately, or the grown child may become a immoral person blaming the parent, causing me to endure the pain directly. The child does not understand why they behave this way. However, by deeply understanding the principles of family connections, it becomes clear that as a parent, I failed to provide proper help first, resulting in both of us being unable to repay each other’s karmic debts. The child, even if unaware of these principles, indirectly communicates this to me, leading them to neglect their obligations to me as a parent. Therefore, the child also fails to correctly fulfill their obligations to me later on. Whether aware or not of these principles, as a parent, by not being able to properly help the child grow correctly, both the parent and the child ultimately end up experiencing various difficulties.
The relationship between parents and children means that the karmic debts they owe each other are greater than those in ordinary relationships. There are sins and debts that must be repaid, and if parents try to impose their own desires selfishly, nature will strike parents severely. Let’s consider an example. A parent forces their child to go to medical school, believing it’s for the child’s own good because the parent wants it. The child, influenced by the parents’ insistence, attempts to comply even if it’s not their true desire. If the child doesn’t achieve excellent grades in high school, the parent scolds them with statements like:
“Am I saying this because of for myself? I’m telling you to do better because it’s for you and your own good!”
However, this is entirely the parent’s selfish desire, not for the child’s benefit. The parent is trying to fulfill their own unachieved ambitions through the child. If the parent were truly living their own life well, they would have pursued what they want and achieved as like medical school, law school, or another professional path themselves. Parents who are successfully living their lives focus on their own growth and support their children without clinging to demands like “You must do this!” Instead of insisting in this manner, they discuss with their children, support the paths their children want to take, and encourage them to live their own lives. Additionally, since the parents’ own lives are important, they strive to live them well. Parents who cherish and diligently live their own lives set an example for their children, providing the best education without explicitly stating it. Children naturally grow up emulating their parents, achieving high grades without the parents needing to discuss academic performance. Parents who live righteously and possess high moral standards do not pressure their children to become a certain type of person, understanding that even if they try, the child may not become exactly like them. However, such parents do not abandon their children either; they do not neglect them but correct bad habits sternly and decisively, knowing that this is truly for the child’s well-being.
When parents say to their children, “Am I saying this because of for myself? I’m telling you to do better because it’s for your own good! You must become [specific profession]!” it reflects that the parent is projecting their own unfulfilled life onto the child. This is not for the child’s benefit but entirely for the parent’s selfish desires. This approach does not treat the child’s karmic connection correctly, leading to significant issues within the family. Parents must support their children while continuously improving their own lives to live righteously.
Knowing and living by these principles makes a vast difference, akin to the difference between heaven and earth. Providing a family connection offers the potential to become a true family, but it does not automatically make a family complete. Just because a child is born does not mean the family is complete. True families are recognized by nature only after each member fulfills their obligations and grows up properly. If parents treat the child’s karmic connection correctly and raise them well, the child, upon reaching adulthood, will sincerely acknowledge that their parents’ excellent upbringing is the reason for their own achievements and will honor their obligations with gratitude and respect. This is not about formally saying so on the parents’ birthdays or in birthday cards. It means that as the child grows up and succeeds in society, when asked in a public interview, they genuinely express their gratitude and respect for their parents, recognizing that they achieved their position thanks to their parents’ support. This shows that the child truly acknowledges the parents’ righteous support and repays their obligations accordingly. At this point, nature recognizes them as a true family.
Just because a child is born does not mean they are family from the beginning. Potential family relationship have come. Therefore, there are many parent-child relationships where, despite being family, they have become mutual enemies and live in a worse relationship than that of others. Or, very inhumane things can occur within the household. This is what is called "failure to become a family."
Because of that, we must study what each other's duties are, what it means to properly treat our bonds, and how to repay karma and debts to help each other become family. When we properly strive and truly help each other, the child can respect the parents, and only then can we be recognized as "family" by the Great Nature. We and society law define ourselves as family when we get married and have children, but from the perspective of the Great Nature, not all families actually become families. Even elderly couples who have been together for 50 years, living in the same house but using separate rooms and still not communicating well, indicate that they have not truly been of help to each other (in terms of spiritual growth). They are forced to stay together and cannot get divorced due to conditions and circumstances. This is family by human societal laws, but not yet family by the laws of the Great Nature.
When you become a true family, the daily conversations cannot be so pleasant. Like in movies, the sound of laughing continues. Instead of writing an idealistic novel, if it truly helped each other's growth, you see and feel each other more lovingly and gratefully than anyone else, making you actually want to talk more and more. Families that have been recognized by the Great Nature through proper mutual efforts have truly become one, and thus are granted the qualification to work together even as souls.
Knowing such things is the study of cultivating the Tao. Finding the right path in life is the cultivation of the Tao. Regardless of one's life, finding the right path in one's life journey is the path of the Tao. If there is something wrong with me, I must find what is wrong. If there is something right, I must find what is right and live my life accordingly. This is why we all meet through the law of cause and effect (dependent origination). Among them, family ties are especially important relationships where I must fulfill my duties correctly.
Summary
Family relationships are a team formed to work together in resolving the karma and attachments passed down from ancestors, and the relationship between parents and children is a connection established to settle the karmic debts they owe one another. Parents have the duty to help their children grow physically and spiritually until they reach the age of 21, and after that, they must respect their children as independent beings and refrain from interfering. If parents control their children out of greed, it can lead to problems in the children's lives and deepen conflicts within the family. Only family relationships that understand what family relationships are and correctly fulfill each other's duties are ultimately recognized as true families by the Great Nature.